he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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