DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
