Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
only if we run a train.
done.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
