I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
