Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
