I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
