If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
