Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
