I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
