Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
