I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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