She said her name was "party"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You ate ashes out of my bong