Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.