Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff