I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
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I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
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Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You ruined the universe
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs