I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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