we have pet lesbian snakes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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