I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
