Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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