She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
