the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
