I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
ttyl tear gas
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
