i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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