I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
