Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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