He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
he's single and there are thong briefs.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
