Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
