im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
