One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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