he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
