happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
