New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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