Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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