Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
