This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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