She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
