dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
