well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
