sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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