STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
