someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
