i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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