life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
