what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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