sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
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We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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