a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
