I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
This is classic penis vs brain.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
