we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
