last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
