I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
