He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
