I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
