I cannot find my penis.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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