Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
