Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
