you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
