Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
