I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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