Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
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i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.