best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my shit smells like andre
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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