alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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